wanting to
30 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in flying
- Learn to sew
- Work on my paintings
- Frame my Grandfather’s paintings (DIY)
- Bake loads of cookies to give to neighbors and other people who I pass in daily life without much interaction
- Pay more visits to the park, particularly the swingsets
- Vist a childhood friend
- Visit my brother
- Visit a friend from my teenage years
- Go for sushi
- Take a photography class
- Learn to knit
- Learn to crochet stuffed animals, like so:
- Actually get my bikes out and tuned up for riding (instead of just talking about it)
- Ride the bikes
- Go to the beach
- Go surfing with my cousin
- Get some indoor plants
- Find someone to install the antenna for my satellite radio kit (that is not in fact “easy” to install yourself as it was suggested)
- Go to the farmer’s market
- Sit in a coffee shop
- Take a modern dance class
- Spend a day riding rollar coasters
Ahhhhhhh the summer of no commitments.
What’s on your list? Any of the above things?
permission to cry
24 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in the fire
i’ve committed to not set any goals, work on any new plans or make any significant changes to what i’m doing for the next 10 weeks. this is proving to be a lot harder than it might seem. it’s extremely uncomfortable to let things be in disappointment, with no action plan for change. however, i believe this experience is exactly what i need for the discovery phase so i’m choosing to face it this way.
last night when i was asked what i would like to do, my eyes filled with tears and began dripping into my glass of wine. i would like to know. i would like to create a plan. i would like to do something creative, sniff, help people, sniff sniff, work with children, whhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. bad.
what’s worse is the shame i feel when i cry. not until today did i have a feeling to identify with my fear of crying. interesting to discover it’s shame. wiki says shame is caused by awareness or exposure to circumstances of unworthiness or of improper or indecent conduct. damn wiki for always being right. that’s exactly how i feel during and after i cry. in fact, i feel like that for a long time afterwards too. no wonder i am fearful of crying. i don’t want to feel this way. what the hell? i deserve to cry without feeling shame.
huh. great first discovery. i would love nothing more than to freely cry it out, whatever it is and whenever it strikes me. that would be quite lovely – to feel free.
backing up to where i was asked what i would like to do, i think again, it comes down to feeling free. the question “what would you be doing if money wasn’t an issue?” is another one that keeps coming up. it’s an important one, and impossibly frustrating when money is an issue. i don’t mean that i need to make gobs of money to be happy in what i’m doing. i’ve already determined that large sums of money aren’t the end goal for my life… well, except to the extent they are presented in lump sums so that i can pay off my student loans immediately.
ahhhhh, yes, it’s those student loans that make money an issue. a big issue. in theory, i would love to zap them suckers gone. i’d let my dragon blow big gusts of fire and burn them. *poof* they’d begone. in practice, i’ve been carrying them around like they are some kind of life sentence. teetering between acceptance (on good days), and anger and resentment (in the bads). gross. i need to challenge those beliefs. immediately.
it’s recently been suggested (several times, actually) that i consider what it would take, and what i’d be willing to sacrifice in order to pay them off in total immediately. and by immediately, i mean in the most expeditious fashion available. it sure has taken me a long time to take that question seriously. could i just get it done? am i willing to embrace this? i don’t know – yay, it’s a relief to not have to know today, or even soon!!!!! i suppose i will add this to the ever growing list of things that possibly interest me.
i would love to know what i’d be doing if money weren’t an issue. i would love to cry freely. i would love to ride a dragon.
have you ever had trouble allowing yourself to cry? how do you clear the block? do you have any clever ways to generate lumps of sums to payoff my student loans early?
new space
22 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in the cloud
i’ve lived in 11 places in the last 10 years. it’s amazing that i’ve spent 19 months in the same home and i do not want to leave it. the space suits me, and that brings me peace.
the neighborhood feels right. the location is pleasing because it’s in a real neighborhood. and it’s in town. the neighborhood newsletter makes me feel like i live in a community. the old towering trees keep me grounded. those trees have always had me.
the house is also super groovy. the ceilings are vaulted in the great room with windows at the very top. it’s filled with natural light at all times. the kitchen is open to the great room and dining space. it’s a cook’s kitchen, furnished with cabinets galore and fancy appliances. what i like best are the countertops. they invite people to boost themselves up and take a seat near the window. this is where i enjoyed my first breakfast in this home. it’s where friends relax while i’m cooking. generally people hop on up before they realize that conventional manners say it’s rude to do so. i love this.
it’s not a big space, maybe 700 square feet in all. the double set of french doors remind me that where i live is not separate from the outdoors. the yard stretches far back, far beyond its appearance from the front of the house. it’s home to my garden adventures. the dining room doubles as a work space or an art studio, though i cannot live with the area in clutter. the walls are kissed with my grandfather’s paintings, and a few pieces of my own. the colors are right. even the dog bed has its perfect nook.
over the weekend i was asked where i’d like to buy a home. my answer was simply “i don’t know.” in fact, this answer is a recurring theme i find myself using in response to questions about my life ambitions. it’s a comfy “i don’t know.” sometimes it’s even a relieved ”i don’t know.” it’s quite a surprise to discover these feelings. i’m goal driven and action based. i’m apparently also quite content in my decision to let it be.
i find myself in two pledges to stay in this “i don’t know” for at least the next 10 weeks. content and committed, i see. the first pledge invites me to Play, Rest and Explore Kindness as i enter the Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab for the summer (it’s not too late to join!). the second is The Presence Process. in a mere 75 pages, The Presence Process has already offered me enormous inspiration and trust in my own wisdom. it asks that i take this journey with a friend – is anyone interested in walking this path together?
and in this vein, i created this new space to blog. thank you for joining me here. i hope you will engage in a discussion as i explore my everyday adventures, work on my writing and cultivate new and old inspirations.
what makes you feel at home? have you recently said “i don’t know” to any major life questions? what’s your strategy when you realize a plan no longer exists where it once did?
