mid-november checkup
15 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
in the cloud
The weather is cloudy and heavy, and the perfect shade of melancholy. It seems appropriate to use this space for reflection.
I have been immersed in my November Spirit activities, and so far it’s been wonderful!
Joyful Singing Workshop: Complete. This was a powerful, delectable, surprising, beautiful experience. I laughed a whole lot and during my voice lesson we revisited some favorite songs from my childhood. My heart was blown open. My mind expanded. My community grew in joyful connectivity. It was a wonderful playdate! I hope to have many, many more. + + + + +
Photography Basics Class: In Progress. I was so confused by daylight savings time that this class snuck up on me. I thought I had another week, but no. The teacher is a sweet and kind soul. I feel comfortable sharing with the class. Each week we have assignments that force me to carve out more time to give to developing my photography. This past weekend I had to hold creative space for myself for Sunday afternoon, turning down requests to spend time doing other things in order to prioritize this space. It was a challenge to put me first. I’m working on it. This week it worked out beautifully. Although I had to tell family I could not spend the entire day with them, we had lunch. Although I had to tell dear friends I was not available to hang at their house (boo!), I offered instead that we spend time somewhere I could take photographs. It didn’t work for everyone, and I expected to venture out alone on my mission. Instead, I wound up having a lovely new friend accompany to the Arboretum for a walk, an interesting chat and a photo excursion. + + + + +
Morning meditation: In Progress. The first week of daylight savings (last week) messed me up pretty good. I was hoping that having the extra hour would help me develop my morning meditation but last week it did not. My body clock was confused and my sleep was wonky. I woke up with lynching neck pain that last 5 days. This morning I am happy to report some normalcy returned. I had a morning sit. I will keep practicing. +
Yoga: In Progress. I have been doing some great yoga. Great. Great. Great. + + + + +
Attend Renaissance Festival: Complete. Another playdate! So fun! Who says Halloween only comes once a year? + + + + +
Continue to dream big and listen to my own intelligence about my next career move: In Progress. Yes. This is working. Most days I can keep career vs job in perspective. + + +
Read (and focus on) 1 of the personal development books I collected in October: Needs Improvement. I don’t think the Photography book I’ve been reading falls into this category. I bought too many books in October. It’s a serious problem. I’d like to say I’ve chosen 1 book for my focus but it’s not true. I’ve chosen 2. One is in my car and one is on my nightstand. Neither has been opened. It shouldn’t be this hard.
Learn more about gluten free baking: In Progress. Yes. I am crafting in my kitchen and enjoying it a lot. Most days I feel balanced, healthy and appropriately fed. + + +
Date, intentionally: In Progress. There is no way to sugar coat this one: dating has been a bit jarring. I am enduring the pain of the process with good spirits. The sampling has taught me a lot, both about myself and about patterns in men. I am sifting through all of it. There’s no rush. When I say this, it means I honestly don’t feel a rush. I am, however, holding space in my life for dating. Holding space seems to be very important right now. + +
Attend 1 church service: In Thought Process. I’ve found my Sunday morning spiritual practice for now. It’s not in a church. It conflicts with church service times. The church may not be the community I need right now. I was spent Sunday, October 31st, in a church, in a meaningful way. Maybe that was my church service pull. I will keep listening for this. + + + + +
Organize closets: In Process. Right now it looks more like a mess than an organization but it has begun. + +
Reflect, relax, and rest: In Process. My new Roku device has started eliminating television from my life. A really tasty treat to rid my life of nonsense. With this, the quality of my relaxation is changing. I am listening to music much more often. I’m watching movies. However, as my energy has returned, so has my crazy life. When I need the rest, I take it. I could do a better job of holding space for rest. + +
Lots of pluses in working with this path. I enjoy the consciousness this exercise brings to my creations. I’m happy that this also seems to be helping me recognize other areas I’d like to improve. Good, yes.
Wanting to Plan: November
02 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
in the cloud
This is another post that began a while back and failed to get Published. I don’t know why I struggle to publish blog posts. You should see the long list of unpublished posts. Maybe one day you will as I revisit them in the future. Today, I pick up with where this one started and give it a proper finish.
As I climb through my recovery from surgery, I’ve had some really gross feelings surface. Like super gross, bad stuff. When I evaluated my life on the darkest day I saw my 20s as having been spent on building a career that is unfulfilling, and not having spent enough time pursuing things that I truly value. I don’t think this dark sentiment is entirely true, or fair to myself, but it sure felt true and uncomfortable for a while. When I ask why I might be in this position, at least as far as I can control, what it feels like is a lack of planning. Beyond regular income and less struggle to payoff student loans, I never outlined what I wanted to achieve. No wonder I always froze when I was asked the interview question “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Ummm… less broke and less stressed about student loan debt. A conversation with a friend brought to my attention that some people, maybe even most people, have goals that reach into the future, like a 5 year plan. Hmm.
I am pleased to discover this flaw in my path because I now have the opportunity to try a more directed method of chasing my dreams. I have the tools to go about this intentionally, something I lacked in younger years. A good place to start, I think, would be to design a planning process that allows my life to develop organically, is regularly evaluated goal for goal, truth for truth, action to value, and considers the necessary balance. I’d also like to create space for reflection, which will necessarily lead to growth. I can identify a number of my patterns, which I can discuss in another post someday. Some of these patterns work great and others could use some redirection. I think this system might help me acheive that. Maybe in doing this exercise, I will begin to see my 5 year goals more clearly. Maybe I’ll try to articulate some goals at year end, if I’m ready. It would be cool, in some time, to have a running life list of my own. I know I can dream and I’d like this to be more contemplated.
A good place to begin is to identify some categories. Without truly understanding the flow of my energies or their purposes, it’s going to be rather difficult, if not impossible, to find my healthy balance. These channels can change as I get more involved in this work. I’ll take a first stab, inspired by this and this:
- Spirit – Feeling connected, being present, listening to my own intelligence, giving love, expressing gratitude to God and remaining conscious of dispelling ego
- Knowledge - Feeding the mind, stimulating learning, reflection, acquiring wisdom
- Emotion - Acknowledging feelings and fears, learning and observing patterns and reactions, improving communication to support deeper connections
- Community – Family, relationships, contributing to society, being mindful of my environment
- Career – Evaluating how I earn money and the path of growth in this area, whether it be acquring a new skill, building my network or making significant change
- Fun / Creativity / Inspiration – experiencing joy and expressing playfulness, being uninhibited, mainly by the mind but this includes other sources
- Health - Food, exercise and rest
Now I’d like to use these as tools to work through and evaluate the list I made over the summer, starting with things I have done:
- Learn to sew: +Knowledge +Fun
- Work on my paintings: +Fun +Emotion
- Go for sushi: +Fun
- Get some indoor plants: although this strikes me as a purely a +Fun, having plants in my home has resulted in: +Spirit +Emotion
- Sit in a coffee shop: +Fun
- Pay more visits to the park, particularly the swingsets: +Fun
- Vist a childhood friend: +Community +Fun
- Visit my brother: +Community +Spirit +Fun
- Frame my Grandfather’s paintings: +Fun +Community +Spirit
- Bake loads of cookies to give to neighbors and other people who I pass in daily life without much interaction: +Community +Fun
- Visit a friend from my teenage years: +Community +Fun
- Take a photography class: +Knowledge +Fun
- Learn to knit: +Knowledge +Fun
- Learn to crochet stuffed animals: +Knowledge +Fun
- Get my bikes tuned up for riding: +Fun +Health
- Ride the bikes: +Fun +Health
- Go to the beach: +Fun +Community
- Go surfing with my cousin: +Fun +Community
- Find someone to install the antenna for my satellite radio kit: +Fun
- Go to the farmer’s market: +Fun +Community +Health
- Take a modern dance class: +Fun +Health +Community +Spirit
- Spend a day riding rollar coasters: +Fun
The totals:
Fun / Creativity / Inspiration: 21 of 21 !!!
Community – 9 of 21
Spirit – 4 of 21
Knowledge – 4 of 21
Health – 4 of 21
Emotion – 0 of 21
Career – o of 21
I remember making this list of Summer Fun and my evaluation looks pretty true to my intention, if not a bit imbalanced, eh?
So what about November? It’s time to consider how I will spend my month. Another planner I like to follow is Sara. She helps me remember the last item on this list. And, yes, it’s something I need to actually list.
- Attend Joyful Singing Workshop: +Fun +Spirit +Emotion +Community
- Attend Photography Basics Class: +Fun +Spirit +Knowledge +Community
- Morning meditation, 3-5x/wk: +Spirit +Emotion +Health +Knowledge
- Attend yoga 3-5x/wk, including Forrest Yoga 1x/wk, Sunday Practice 2x/mo: +Spirit +Emotion +Health +Knowledge +Fun
- Attend Renaissance Festival and get henna tattoo: +Fun +Community
- Spend Thanksgiving w/ Family and Friends who are Family: +Community +Spirit +Emotion +Fun
- Continue to dream big and listen to my own intelligence about my next career move: +Spirit +Emotion +Career
- Learn more about gluten free baking: +Health +Spirit +Emotion +Knowledge
- Read (and focus on) 1 of the personal development books I collected in October: +Career +Emotion +Knowledge
- Date, intentionally: +Spirit +Emotion +Community
- Attend 1 church service: +Spirit +Emotion +Community
- Organize closets: +Emotion +Health +Spirit
- Reflect, relax, and rest: +Health +Emotion +Spirit
The totals:
Spirit – 11 of 13
Emotion – 10 of 13
Community – 6 of 13
Fun / Creativity / Inspiration: 5 of 13
Health – 5 of 13
Knowledge – 4 of 13
Career – 2 of 13
This feel like a good balance, given my present state and my needs. I like knowing that this list will help feed all of my channels. I’m curious to see how I do this month and how I feel about it next month.
What are your November goals? Would you add or subtract any of the items on my life category list?
just wait
03 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
in flying
the last few weeks have been nuts. the kind of totally nuts where the mind uncontrollably starts trying to adjust everything. and, of course, none of what the mind suggests works. how could it possibly? so the mind keeps running on overdrive trying to find the order, and instead creating disarray. damn the mind sometimes.
i finally hit the fuck it mode. i laughed as the universe laughed at my plans, truly. it helped to hear the funniest story as i entered this mode:
two friends took a photography trip to santa fe, new mexico. one day, they decided that for the entire day, every time they needed to ask for permission for something they would also ask, in the alternative, whether they should i go fuck themselves. for example, to a waitress during lunch, “can i have an iced tea or should i go fuck myself?
man this cracks me up. i love to imagine this scenario play out. come to find out, this is a hilarious way to work things out with your friends too.
if i consider this one step further, seems like my mind has been asking, “hey, universe, can i do _(this)_ or should i go fuck myself?” how suiting. we definitely got our answers, loud and clear. call it the universe’s answer, call it my mind, either way the anxiety i have created has been a lot like fucking myself. thankfully, i am now at rest. i am grateful. i am calm that all is working out as it should, which is where i started from in the first place.
the purging of emotion hasn’t really stopped. it may or it may not. i tend to think letting it go helps. so i will stay on trend and pour my heart open all over everything until there is nothing left to pour. it feels necessary so it is, and i know with certainty that life will get in the way of these pourings if i don’t give it space to happen. in this i have learned so much about being present. it’s interesting to observe varying states of presence. i suppose this is the journey i asked for when i set out my intentions for the summer. never did i imagine how the path would unfold.
again i am in a space to observe how much i learn when i stop doing yoga for periods of time. my therapist used to say he didn’t like working with me when i was doing a lot of yoga. i have a fuller understanding of that now. when i stop physically releasing the shit the body stores that it doesn’t need, my life stops flowing. clearly, i need more channels for release. i have been working on these since my body isn’t ready to resume a full time yoga practice. in a way it’s amazing to feel the body’s slow healing process. today i have an appreciation for it even though most of the time it doesn’t feel good. i’m reminded of humanity. it’s a useful acknowledgment.
things are becoming better. the fall has moved in and it’s been impossible not to appreciate the moments of this magnificent life. life truly is abundant right now. it’s easy to share joy. the vibration strikes just right. i feel and observe myself being more present. inspiration has started coming in again.
as i sit here in reflection i notice how things i have tried to manifest in meditation are unfolding. i have no idea what i was doing in meditation, btw. i just started trying it. i sit. i focus my attention as i do or not do whatever i feel needs to happen or not. no rules. it’s possible that it is working. whoa.
i’ve had this song stuck in my head:
Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow; Praise Him, all creatures here below; Praise Him above, ye Heavenly Host; Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
i even sang it aloud one night for a friend. maybe twice… there were more than a few cocktails involved.
it’s interesting that a significant doxology acknowledging gratitude for God’s blessings has been my spirit’s chant. what a beautiful chant. it’s come with precious, intangible, heart felt gifts.
how do you sit through the times when it’s not easy to wait?
earthquakes and fire
10 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment
in the fire
i’ve recently learned that when crazy things are going through my mind and i say them out loud to people the crazy thing feels a lot less real. i have many things to say out loud hoping they will get less crazy and less real. so here we have a gripefest.
fuck. i’ve been totally stumped on Plan Me. the directions all started turning all at once and none of them will stand still. as if the first quake didn’t crack my foundation enough, there have been after shocks making it increasingly difficult to find my way through this mess.
i have a great team, thank goodness. much love and gratitude for these friends, family and physicians. an amazing bunch.
even still, i have been feeling seriously crappy. it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks to cry every time you drive. on the way to a massage, an interview, work at 8 a.m., really fucking late. again. no one has missed this parade of tears. aren’t you supposed to feel better when you begin meditating? HUH?
i’m tired of dirty dishes. my recent dietary change, or at least my handling of it, is running me through all of my dishes every 2 days. i’m tired of doing the damn dishes. i’m tired of them sitting there demanding to be done. i’m tired of having dinner alone with all those dishes.
my hands are wrecked too. first i sliced up my fingers with a bread knife. then i seriously burned them. multiple times. i’m not naturally a baker. i get it. i need to contain my energy, not have it seeping out my fingertips.
i’m tired of the bullshit of work. i’m tired of feeling less than. i’m tired of being insulted. i’m tired of my work not making a difference to anyone who needs it. i’ve been carrying these feelings for 4 years. nothing improves. actually it gets worse. like the introduction of the shared office, a special treat just for me. 4. years. wow.
the co-office is bullshit. it’s bullshit that 2 healthy 30 y.o. women both wind up in the hospital in the same month, exactly 1 year from when this shared office situation began. it’s bullshit that she and i can’t stand each other’s presence because we have endured this miserable situation for so long. before this we actually liked seeing each other. now, not so much. or even a little. it’s really sucky.
again and again i’m being insulted with policy at work. the newest policy asks employees to give up their vacation time to become a company volunteer for the community. ummmm? i have taken vacation days to volunteer in my community and i will likely continue to use my time in this way… however, i won’t be smacking on the company logo to do so nor do i need the company choosing the organization to which i will serve so that they can send out a PR blast about it. not in exchange for my vacation days. hell no i’m not interested in attending the lunch and learn to become involved.
i’m tired of the creepy guy at work complimenting my body. ”your body looks good. you are losing weight.” oh yeah? is this a compliment appropriate for work? this big production you make in an elevator full of coworkers? was i too round before? my roundness is not for your eyes, ok?
i’m starting to feel litigious. seriously, i’ve had many moments in the past month where i thought – huh, now i understand why lawyers are out there trying to take down a corrupt system, maybe it’s not always about money. litigious. what?
i’m tired of all the fear and loathing in US politics. i’m sickened by this Anti Muslim Freedom of Religion hypocrisy. hey, Mr Jones, AMERICA DOESN’T BARGAIN WITH TERRORISTS. wasn’t that your friend Mr Bush who coined the phrase? guess what? THAT INCLUDES YOU. the whole mess of it is horrifying.
another thing that horrifies me is candidates preparing for upcoming elections. it’s exhausting that we are on another round of elections with this same shitty attitude that hasn’t quit since the last elections. they’ve never stopped campaigning in order to start doing thier job. please put this shit down. focus on taking care of the issues. there are many. do something. take care of the country. that’s the job.
ok, ok, ok. politics is too much and i’ll stop there. i have sufficiently purged.
i started this post last night and i feel loads better today. i need to blog more. it helps me process.
fret not, it hasn’t all been bad. i am totally loving on Chocolate Covered Katie’s Fudge Babies. i made one batch and split the flavorings into original, peanut butter chocolate and coconut. they are all divine. if i have to choose a favorite, i think i’d go with peanut butter chocolate. it’s been a peanut butter chocolate kind of week. i brought 3 to work today. shared 1, ate 1 and i’m eyeing the last one. hope it makes it to the afternoon chocolate fix.
i signed up for that sewing class and there are a few other interesting thoughts breezing in. Plan Me will come together. it always does. i am curious to see how the path unfolds. although i’d prefer to stop crying as i walk it. i think i’m getting there.
what’s pissing you off? how do you resolve the overflow of emotion?
wanting to
30 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in flying
- Learn to sew
- Work on my paintings
- Frame my Grandfather’s paintings (DIY)
- Bake loads of cookies to give to neighbors and other people who I pass in daily life without much interaction
- Pay more visits to the park, particularly the swingsets
- Vist a childhood friend
- Visit my brother
- Visit a friend from my teenage years
- Go for sushi
- Take a photography class
- Learn to knit
- Learn to crochet stuffed animals, like so:
- Actually get my bikes out and tuned up for riding (instead of just talking about it)
- Ride the bikes
- Go to the beach
- Go surfing with my cousin
- Get some indoor plants
- Find someone to install the antenna for my satellite radio kit (that is not in fact “easy” to install yourself as it was suggested)
- Go to the farmer’s market
- Sit in a coffee shop
- Take a modern dance class
- Spend a day riding rollar coasters
Ahhhhhhh the summer of no commitments.
What’s on your list? Any of the above things?
permission to cry
24 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in the fire
i’ve committed to not set any goals, work on any new plans or make any significant changes to what i’m doing for the next 10 weeks. this is proving to be a lot harder than it might seem. it’s extremely uncomfortable to let things be in disappointment, with no action plan for change. however, i believe this experience is exactly what i need for the discovery phase so i’m choosing to face it this way.
last night when i was asked what i would like to do, my eyes filled with tears and began dripping into my glass of wine. i would like to know. i would like to create a plan. i would like to do something creative, sniff, help people, sniff sniff, work with children, whhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. bad.
what’s worse is the shame i feel when i cry. not until today did i have a feeling to identify with my fear of crying. interesting to discover it’s shame. wiki says shame is caused by awareness or exposure to circumstances of unworthiness or of improper or indecent conduct. damn wiki for always being right. that’s exactly how i feel during and after i cry. in fact, i feel like that for a long time afterwards too. no wonder i am fearful of crying. i don’t want to feel this way. what the hell? i deserve to cry without feeling shame.
huh. great first discovery. i would love nothing more than to freely cry it out, whatever it is and whenever it strikes me. that would be quite lovely – to feel free.
backing up to where i was asked what i would like to do, i think again, it comes down to feeling free. the question “what would you be doing if money wasn’t an issue?” is another one that keeps coming up. it’s an important one, and impossibly frustrating when money is an issue. i don’t mean that i need to make gobs of money to be happy in what i’m doing. i’ve already determined that large sums of money aren’t the end goal for my life… well, except to the extent they are presented in lump sums so that i can pay off my student loans immediately.
ahhhhh, yes, it’s those student loans that make money an issue. a big issue. in theory, i would love to zap them suckers gone. i’d let my dragon blow big gusts of fire and burn them. *poof* they’d begone. in practice, i’ve been carrying them around like they are some kind of life sentence. teetering between acceptance (on good days), and anger and resentment (in the bads). gross. i need to challenge those beliefs. immediately.
it’s recently been suggested (several times, actually) that i consider what it would take, and what i’d be willing to sacrifice in order to pay them off in total immediately. and by immediately, i mean in the most expeditious fashion available. it sure has taken me a long time to take that question seriously. could i just get it done? am i willing to embrace this? i don’t know – yay, it’s a relief to not have to know today, or even soon!!!!! i suppose i will add this to the ever growing list of things that possibly interest me.
i would love to know what i’d be doing if money weren’t an issue. i would love to cry freely. i would love to ride a dragon.
have you ever had trouble allowing yourself to cry? how do you clear the block? do you have any clever ways to generate lumps of sums to payoff my student loans early?
new space
22 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in the cloud
i’ve lived in 11 places in the last 10 years. it’s amazing that i’ve spent 19 months in the same home and i do not want to leave it. the space suits me, and that brings me peace.
the neighborhood feels right. the location is pleasing because it’s in a real neighborhood. and it’s in town. the neighborhood newsletter makes me feel like i live in a community. the old towering trees keep me grounded. those trees have always had me.
the house is also super groovy. the ceilings are vaulted in the great room with windows at the very top. it’s filled with natural light at all times. the kitchen is open to the great room and dining space. it’s a cook’s kitchen, furnished with cabinets galore and fancy appliances. what i like best are the countertops. they invite people to boost themselves up and take a seat near the window. this is where i enjoyed my first breakfast in this home. it’s where friends relax while i’m cooking. generally people hop on up before they realize that conventional manners say it’s rude to do so. i love this.
it’s not a big space, maybe 700 square feet in all. the double set of french doors remind me that where i live is not separate from the outdoors. the yard stretches far back, far beyond its appearance from the front of the house. it’s home to my garden adventures. the dining room doubles as a work space or an art studio, though i cannot live with the area in clutter. the walls are kissed with my grandfather’s paintings, and a few pieces of my own. the colors are right. even the dog bed has its perfect nook.
over the weekend i was asked where i’d like to buy a home. my answer was simply “i don’t know.” in fact, this answer is a recurring theme i find myself using in response to questions about my life ambitions. it’s a comfy “i don’t know.” sometimes it’s even a relieved ”i don’t know.” it’s quite a surprise to discover these feelings. i’m goal driven and action based. i’m apparently also quite content in my decision to let it be.
i find myself in two pledges to stay in this “i don’t know” for at least the next 10 weeks. content and committed, i see. the first pledge invites me to Play, Rest and Explore Kindness as i enter the Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab for the summer (it’s not too late to join!). the second is The Presence Process. in a mere 75 pages, The Presence Process has already offered me enormous inspiration and trust in my own wisdom. it asks that i take this journey with a friend – is anyone interested in walking this path together?
and in this vein, i created this new space to blog. thank you for joining me here. i hope you will engage in a discussion as i explore my everyday adventures, work on my writing and cultivate new and old inspirations.
what makes you feel at home? have you recently said “i don’t know” to any major life questions? what’s your strategy when you realize a plan no longer exists where it once did?
